Editor’s note: Education, parenting, work-life balance, the Golden Rule and equality; five important issues for our faith and society.
In My Opinion
by Carol Stovall
Someone once said I have a lot to say, that I have an opinion about lots of things. I suppose I do. Good, bad, or otherwise, I suppose we all do.
o·pin·ion
/əˈpiny(ə)n/
noun
a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
These are a few of mine, here we go.
On education: I could write an entire blog on the wrong ways we teach our children in this country, from some of the subject matter itself to the equality vs. equity conversation we will have here shortly. For this purpose, we are only looking at the mechanics of the school day. In the current state, teachers spend time in class going over material, then students go home and complete assignments (solving problems, answering questions, etc.) to show the teacher that they have learned the lesson at hand. This process is done in a silo. The students are left to essentially fend for themselves at home.
In my opinion, we do this backwards. The homework should be the reading, the studying, the intel gathering. In the classroom the next day, we should be answering the questions, solving the problems, workshopping, with the help and guidance of the teacher, to demonstrate comprehension of what we read at home the night before. Working together as a group, the learning process becomes much more powerful and impactful.
On parenting: My husband and I both came into parenting with a preset mantra that came from our own parents. He grew up under the premise that he and all (9!) of his brothers and sisters were “separate but equal” and I was raised by parents whose goal was to give us “roots and wings.” I will talk a little bit about both.
“Separate but equal” celebrates the uniqueness of each child, while recognizing that no one child is greater or lesser than the other. How progressive, given that my in-laws started raising children in the 1940’s. I think they were on to something pretty great. If we treat all of our children the same, without regard for their individual needs, we risk stunting their ability to thrive. At the same time, the trick is to make sure each one of them knows that they matter just as much as anyone else.
I have a friend who has two daughters. Her first born is very self-driven and motivated. She has found much success and things seem to come easily to her. Her other daughter struggles a bit and finds that she must work harder to stay on task or make things happen in her life. When things were going well recently for daughter number 2 and Mom praised her, even bragged about it, daughter number 1 asked “why are you giving her such accolades for things that I did all the time?” My friend knows that daughter number 2 needs this type of support whereas daughter number 1 has that thing from within that doesn’t require external validation. It’s not that she doesn’t praise both daughters, but the way in which she delivers what she knows each of them needs is an example of treating them separate but equal.
“Roots and wings” was the approach my parents took. It was their goal for my siblings and me to fly; they endeavored to give us everything we needed to be successful in life. But they also made sure we knew that we could always come home. When this message is clear, the sky is the limit.
Having the safety net of knowing I had their support gave me the confidence to venture out on my own and try new things. I followed the rather traditional path of a kid that grew up middle class in the 1980’s – straight off to college after high school, got a job, got an apartment, and basically never looked back. This is not the only path, nor is it even the traditional path anymore. It’s not the path of both of my own. I have friends and family members who are experiencing various versions of what it looks like to raise children, finding that it’s not always obvious when the roots are strong enough for the wings to blossom. And that is ok too.
In my opinion, parenting is hard, but sometimes people make it harder than it needs to be. Children are just small people, and they deserve to be treated as such. There are so many trendy parenting styles out there that are just not effective. Our children need clear rules and expectations; they need open communication and natural consequences. Other than that, if we treat them separate but equal, and give them roots and wings, the rest is easy.
On work-life balance: First, let me point out my disdain for the fact that this isn’t called life-work balance. Second, regardless of that, I hate the phrase in general. This implies that we are under some kind of obligation to level set the see-saw on these two things, like they deserve equal billing. Clearly, work is not as important as life. And what do we really mean by “life” in this concept anyway? The implication is personal life, friends, family, fun, and/or anything else besides work. So, on one side of this equation, we have work, and on the other side we have…everything else. Let that sink in. But going back to my original point, why do we lead with work?
I remember approaching my job search decades ago under the premise that I would find a job first, then essentially shape my life around it. The job I ended up with would be a building block to define who I would become. The work I was doing would be a conversation starter, my colleagues would be my new friends, the hours I worked would determine my availability for everything on the other side of the equation. What if we were to approach this from the other direction?
In my opinion, the first step is to decide what you want (or need) your life to look like, then find a job that fits into that. What’s your personality? What do you want your family to look like? What are you passionate about? What talents do you have? Think small, think big, then figure out how to get there. If you hate driving and you are not a morning person, don’t go get a job that has you in a two-hour commute at six am. If you have a passion for caring for farm animals, your job should probably not have you sitting in an office cubicle from 9 to 5. My point is, don’t let work define you. Life first, then work.
On The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” That is the version I always knew. I understand the underlying intent, but is it always right?
Several years ago, I re-adopted this notion from a different perspective that I think also makes sense. “Treat others the way they want to be treated.” Under the original version, we consider what we might need, when what matters is what the other person actually needs. We might feel compelled to rush to someone’s defense and try to solve their problem when what they really need is for us to show silent support while they move through the situation at their own pace. We might want a hug, they might not. Why do we focus on ourselves rather than considering the needs of the other person…?
I recently heard another adaptation of this Rule, it goes like this: The way you treat others is the way you treat yourself. He added, “if you aren’t being honest with others, you are probably not being honest with yourself.” Wow, mind-blowing, right?
In my opinion, the variables that influence the way we treat other people can be complicated and it’s not always easy to know what to do. There is no one single rule that applies. At the end of the day, we should all just be kind and give grace.
On equality vs equity: We’ve all seen the cartoon depicting three people of various heights trying to look over a tall fence. One is plenty tall enough to see, but the other two are not. In the next frame, those two are given the same size milk crate to stand on, giving them added height to be able to see. This gets one of them to where they can see over the fence, but the real short little guy still isn’t tall enough. In the final frame, the short guy gets two crates to stack together and now everyone can see over the fence. This is the best depiction of equality vs equity. Equality treats everyone the same but does not result in everyone being equal. Equity strives to make sure everyone has what they need in order for everyone to have an equal chance of success.
In my opinion, everyone having what they need is better than everyone having the same thing.
On whom we love, our reproductive rights, and anything else that is nobody’s business: To borrow a phrase from a friend, may the Spirit of Wisdom help us with this one.
